Name is Trevor. I want to say I'm a nice guy, but you can make that call yourself. I love helping people. I love talking to people about things. But I tell them straight up exactly how I feel. I don't stop because I think it may be too hard for them to hear. Someone has to say it to them. I love to suck D, a little too much for my own good sometimes. But I'm ok with that. :)
Well then.. Expected this but still. You say the sane thing about them all. I’m over it. Not really but what the hell can I do? I’ll never be over it. You can’t understand. I won’t even try anymore until this parse just like it always does. Like I don’t exist anymore. Huh
Fuck focusing on anything but me. I’m done being down in the dumps. Because i’m focused on something that is pointless.. I’m about to watch you try and fail falling in love again. That’s fine with me now. I’m focused in being stable and bring on my own successfully. You will come though. In time. I just have this feeling and have forever.
Only I can change it.
I’m so tired of feeling so alone all the time. Even when I’m around other people, I feel like a loner. An outcast. I know I don’t need someone in my life and honestly right now I don’t even want anyone in my life. Ok well thats not completely true. But whatever. I can’t just give up on that. I want to so bad sometimes, but I’m so used to this routine that I know what to expect now. Its happened so many times before. I just don’t know how long it will take. Seems longer everytime we take this step. Maybe one day we will skip this step though. Maybe not and I should just give up on it all but I literally can’t. I just feel useless sometimes. Like all I am is nothing. Worthless. I want to be somebody and I know I am the only one who can do that. Its just… Difficult is the first word to come to mind. Maybe its not difficult. I just need to find motivation. I know the perfect motivation but it’s not something I can count on all the time. So I need to find my own motivation. Something that I know will constantly motivate me and not be… Wishy washy is the first thing to come to mind, but its not the right way to describe it. Its so hard to keep my focus on anything anymore because constantly I think about it. About the greatness of it all. But its not great and I can’t say it ever will be. I am pretty sure it takes up at least 75% of my thinking process everyday. I can’t help that but I wish I could. Sometimes I just want it to go away but at the same time. Every time I see a picture or think the name or see a dog for goodness sake I smile. I can’t help it. And I find joy in that. I jsut need to focus on a few things right now and this isn’t one of them. So I will try extra hard from now on to push it aside. I have 12 days until my lease is up and I have no plans on what I’m going to do. None at all. My relationship with You is dwindling but I am trying to keep it strong. You are the only one I can truly count on for anything. You bring light into my life constantly You are amazing, and I thank You for everything You have given me. I wish we talked more still. even though that is all up to me.. I am going to start talking to You constantly. All the time.
“The secret to responsible trust is acceptance. Acceptance is taking from God’s hand absolutely anything He gives, looking into His face in trust and thanksgiving, knowing that the confinement of the hedge we’re in is good and for His glory. Even though waht we’re enduring may be painful, it’s good simply because God Himself has allowed it. Acceptance is resting in God’s goodness, believing that He has all things under His control-even people who are doing what is wrong. Yes… Even wrongdoers.”
I took a lot from this. It made me think a lot about you and how its painful to think about but He is allowing it to happen so it must be right. That doesn’t make it any easier. I still think about you everyday. Whether I try to or not. But Either it will work out or eventually a long time down the road this will pass my mind and I may move on.
Really starting to piss me off
I wanted to believe you weren’t like all the others. Too bad.
Sometimes I wish things would just go how they are suppose to for once.
You’re actually different.
Yeah, I know. Thats what I told you. But it doesnt matter because you don’t deserve me. Not right now. You fucked up but this time its different. I’m not going to come crawling back because guess what. I don’t need you. And for the first time. I’m really happy about saying that. I don’t need anyone. I’m done with your wishy washy ways. Pick one. Seriously.
